more of the same

so....

Things are about the same...

I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow to have my arm checked out and find out why it isn't healing. The tendonitis is much better--not totally okay, but much better. The upper-arm stuff is just not getting better, so they are going to see if they can figure out what it is and what to do about it.

I drove to TN again--fourth time in eight months; this time in a Toyota Corolla with the four younger kids. Wow. Not something I hope to do again any time soon. The kids were really good, considering. (Helpful hint: In the ABC Game, you can find all the letters through "O" on just two signs. "A" through "I" can be found on "WATCH FOR ICE ON BRIDGE" and "J" through "O" can be found on "Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah's Witnesses." Also, the easiest state for the ABC Game is Arizona, eastbound. Lots of navajos and signs for Albuquerque, plus a "Z" on every highway sign.)

I took the kids back to visit their Dad, at his request according to the court's order (by which we seem to be abiding for reduced maintenance and visitation, but not for division of property payment--go figure). We have to make the trip halfway every other month. Kinda crazy. I chose to take them all the way this time, instead of back and forth halfway twice (to drop them off and pick them up. Halfway is the Petrified Forest in Arizona, almost to NM.

"He" brought the kids to TN after their week together, and we visited with some of the friends they had not been able to say goodbye to when we left in March (because we did not know we would have to move when we left). We also drove past the house we left. Carlson is still angry and grieving. He says I lied to him. "You said we were just going to spend a lot of nights in CA and now we live there." It makes me sad. And, truthfully, its hard for me to not want to turn his anger where it belongs--to his Dad who left us no choice but to move--but I just affirm his feelings and try to explain that I thought it was true when I said it, so it wasn't a lie.... Wilbur is also having a hard time with the move. When I woke him in the morning on Thursday, so he could get ready to leave, he started crying and shook his head "no" vigorously. he said, "I don't want to leave here again. I wish we could just stay."(Dallas, on the other hand, never intends to leave CA, and would actually rather live in OK than TN....isn't that wierd? Ruby doesn't say much about it, but she seems content to be in CA.)

I, it seems, moved to CA without my inner child. (As illustrated in a sculpt at the therapy weekend by my therapist: Kent the Wondershrink.) My challenge is to bring my whole Self to CA for the experience God has for me here. It is amazing how different I feel already. This experiential therapy stuff is wierd...but it works for me. I chose to drive the whole way this trip so I could attend the Reconstruction of my "Father of Choice." I'm so glad I did. I got a LOT out of the weekend, and the kids got some closure around the move.

I am not sure YET if I am divorced. I expected a decree in the mail when I returned home, but there was nothing here. And my attorney is on vacation until next Monday. Still no date for the Reconsideration hearing, as far as I know...

I'm looking into night jobs, so the kids can have an adult around but my mother does not have to actually do anything with them. I'm also looking at grants, loans and scholarships to see if I can make it just going to school.... And STILL hoping that my arm will heal so I can do massage. Watching for which doors open and which close, and (mostly) staying trusting that good things are in store for me!