Seems the fat lady sang way back in late Sept/Early Oct. My attorney told me this week that I was officially divorced by the judge's summary of findings, even though the final decree has STILL not been filed by "his" attorney. (And we still have all the financial wrangling to do.)
So, as my sister said, "You mean you coulda been hitting the bars all this time?!"
LOL! I think I may just go contra dancing tonight, though.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
River Walk
One of the blessings of living in California is the natural setting. The weather was lovely today, so we took a walk near the river. We dropped by to pick up cousin Leah and meandered all over the river parkway (which backs up to Leah's house).
The grass is very green, after being scorched brown all summer, and many of the trees stay green, too. A few, like a big poplar along the bike trail, turn yellow and drop most of their leaves. This big poplar had a few dozen leaves still clinging to its branches, and the wind was blowing so that they swayed like multiple pendulums on some artsy representation of a grandfather clock.
First stop was to check out "the hobo's place" to make sure it was still uninhabited. This summer there was quite a nice little refuge set up in the shelter of a huge oak whose branches touch the ground. We never saw anyone there, but it was obviously currently in use. One day there was a 'Notice to Vacate" tacked up, and the next time we checked it out it had been obeyed. We wandered through "the forbidden forest" (forbidden because they kids are not allowed to go there without an adult), and the children decided that we must picnic there on Thanksgiving Day. It really was a beautiful setting, with large carpets of green grass under a canopy of big twisted oakish trees (but with green leaves...). Leah changed the name from "the forbidden forest" to "fablehaven."
We also visited a big rock pit. Its probably about the size of the lot my mother's house sits on. The sides are steeply sloped banks of rounded river rocks. They all clambored around on it while I watched from under a tree.
Back out on the path Carlson asked if I would carry him. I told him no because I was probably going to have to carry him all the way back. Unless he wanted to turn back now, he'd have to walk. He said that, no, he did not want to turn back, but one of his feet was getting tired. I asked, "One of your feet?" and he extended his right leg and pointed down at his foot saying, "Yep. This one," then ran to catch up with his siblings and cousin.
The kids found another bunch of old bones, this time obviously a deer. (Still haven't found anyone to identify the human-looking-enough-to-raise-eyebrows vertebra and humerus & ulna they found during the summer. Leah's mother is going to take them to an anatomy professor at the college she attends (he said he could tell her if they were human, but not identify them if they were not), but we keep forgetting to leave them with her.) And we saw a flock of turkeys with a PEACOCK tagging along. I tried to get pictures but only had my phone camera, and couldn't get close enough. Leah says there is a hen peacock as well, but I could not discern one. Amusing sight...this big tom turkey strutting along with a bunch of hens following behind, and a green male peacock craning his neck and struggling to keep up. Funny, as I am typing this I am getting of flashes of Leah leading the big kids around on our walk, and Carlson following after as best he could.
There were a couple of pair of deer meandering casually around in one meadow. They did not seem very concerned about us, but we kept a respectable distance.
When we finally made it to the river there was a white bird--maybe an egret, but kinda smallish--skimming along the river just six inches or so from the water. Beautiful. The kids threw rocks in the river, and I picked up a big partial-dome chunk of white quartz. (I just finished reading "The Day Kennedy was Shot" and could not help thinking,"This is about the size and shape of the piece of his head that was shot off." Sorry. Maybe that's TMI, but its my blog.)
The moon had risen early, and the sun was just dipping behind the trees along the river when we set out for home. Carlson said, "Look! There's half the moon and (turning around) there is half the sun!" I carried him on my shoulders part of the way...the stones he'd put in his jacket pockets making an odd sound as they rubbed together so close to my ears. The big cousins stayed just far enough ahead of us that I could see them most of the time. I grieved--am still grieving a little--that our world is too dangerous a place for them to be free to run around this kids' paradise unattended. What a great childhood memory it would have been for them to spend this time (and many, many times like it) with their cousin, making up games and planning where to build their "houses" without mom/aunt tagging along at a safe distance.
The grass is very green, after being scorched brown all summer, and many of the trees stay green, too. A few, like a big poplar along the bike trail, turn yellow and drop most of their leaves. This big poplar had a few dozen leaves still clinging to its branches, and the wind was blowing so that they swayed like multiple pendulums on some artsy representation of a grandfather clock.
First stop was to check out "the hobo's place" to make sure it was still uninhabited. This summer there was quite a nice little refuge set up in the shelter of a huge oak whose branches touch the ground. We never saw anyone there, but it was obviously currently in use. One day there was a 'Notice to Vacate" tacked up, and the next time we checked it out it had been obeyed. We wandered through "the forbidden forest" (forbidden because they kids are not allowed to go there without an adult), and the children decided that we must picnic there on Thanksgiving Day. It really was a beautiful setting, with large carpets of green grass under a canopy of big twisted oakish trees (but with green leaves...). Leah changed the name from "the forbidden forest" to "fablehaven."
We also visited a big rock pit. Its probably about the size of the lot my mother's house sits on. The sides are steeply sloped banks of rounded river rocks. They all clambored around on it while I watched from under a tree.
Back out on the path Carlson asked if I would carry him. I told him no because I was probably going to have to carry him all the way back. Unless he wanted to turn back now, he'd have to walk. He said that, no, he did not want to turn back, but one of his feet was getting tired. I asked, "One of your feet?" and he extended his right leg and pointed down at his foot saying, "Yep. This one," then ran to catch up with his siblings and cousin.
The kids found another bunch of old bones, this time obviously a deer. (Still haven't found anyone to identify the human-looking-enough-to-raise-eyebrows vertebra and humerus & ulna they found during the summer. Leah's mother is going to take them to an anatomy professor at the college she attends (he said he could tell her if they were human, but not identify them if they were not), but we keep forgetting to leave them with her.) And we saw a flock of turkeys with a PEACOCK tagging along. I tried to get pictures but only had my phone camera, and couldn't get close enough. Leah says there is a hen peacock as well, but I could not discern one. Amusing sight...this big tom turkey strutting along with a bunch of hens following behind, and a green male peacock craning his neck and struggling to keep up. Funny, as I am typing this I am getting of flashes of Leah leading the big kids around on our walk, and Carlson following after as best he could.
There were a couple of pair of deer meandering casually around in one meadow. They did not seem very concerned about us, but we kept a respectable distance.
When we finally made it to the river there was a white bird--maybe an egret, but kinda smallish--skimming along the river just six inches or so from the water. Beautiful. The kids threw rocks in the river, and I picked up a big partial-dome chunk of white quartz. (I just finished reading "The Day Kennedy was Shot" and could not help thinking,"This is about the size and shape of the piece of his head that was shot off." Sorry. Maybe that's TMI, but its my blog.)
The moon had risen early, and the sun was just dipping behind the trees along the river when we set out for home. Carlson said, "Look! There's half the moon and (turning around) there is half the sun!" I carried him on my shoulders part of the way...the stones he'd put in his jacket pockets making an odd sound as they rubbed together so close to my ears. The big cousins stayed just far enough ahead of us that I could see them most of the time. I grieved--am still grieving a little--that our world is too dangerous a place for them to be free to run around this kids' paradise unattended. What a great childhood memory it would have been for them to spend this time (and many, many times like it) with their cousin, making up games and planning where to build their "houses" without mom/aunt tagging along at a safe distance.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
more of the same
so....
Things are about the same...
I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow to have my arm checked out and find out why it isn't healing. The tendonitis is much better--not totally okay, but much better. The upper-arm stuff is just not getting better, so they are going to see if they can figure out what it is and what to do about it.
I drove to TN again--fourth time in eight months; this time in a Toyota Corolla with the four younger kids. Wow. Not something I hope to do again any time soon. The kids were really good, considering. (Helpful hint: In the ABC Game, you can find all the letters through "O" on just two signs. "A" through "I" can be found on "WATCH FOR ICE ON BRIDGE" and "J" through "O" can be found on "Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah's Witnesses." Also, the easiest state for the ABC Game is Arizona, eastbound. Lots of navajos and signs for Albuquerque, plus a "Z" on every highway sign.)
I took the kids back to visit their Dad, at his request according to the court's order (by which we seem to be abiding for reduced maintenance and visitation, but not for division of property payment--go figure). We have to make the trip halfway every other month. Kinda crazy. I chose to take them all the way this time, instead of back and forth halfway twice (to drop them off and pick them up. Halfway is the Petrified Forest in Arizona, almost to NM.
"He" brought the kids to TN after their week together, and we visited with some of the friends they had not been able to say goodbye to when we left in March (because we did not know we would have to move when we left). We also drove past the house we left. Carlson is still angry and grieving. He says I lied to him. "You said we were just going to spend a lot of nights in CA and now we live there." It makes me sad. And, truthfully, its hard for me to not want to turn his anger where it belongs--to his Dad who left us no choice but to move--but I just affirm his feelings and try to explain that I thought it was true when I said it, so it wasn't a lie.... Wilbur is also having a hard time with the move. When I woke him in the morning on Thursday, so he could get ready to leave, he started crying and shook his head "no" vigorously. he said, "I don't want to leave here again. I wish we could just stay."(Dallas, on the other hand, never intends to leave CA, and would actually rather live in OK than TN....isn't that wierd? Ruby doesn't say much about it, but she seems content to be in CA.)
I, it seems, moved to CA without my inner child. (As illustrated in a sculpt at the therapy weekend by my therapist: Kent the Wondershrink.) My challenge is to bring my whole Self to CA for the experience God has for me here. It is amazing how different I feel already. This experiential therapy stuff is wierd...but it works for me. I chose to drive the whole way this trip so I could attend the Reconstruction of my "Father of Choice." I'm so glad I did. I got a LOT out of the weekend, and the kids got some closure around the move.
I am not sure YET if I am divorced. I expected a decree in the mail when I returned home, but there was nothing here. And my attorney is on vacation until next Monday. Still no date for the Reconsideration hearing, as far as I know...
I'm looking into night jobs, so the kids can have an adult around but my mother does not have to actually do anything with them. I'm also looking at grants, loans and scholarships to see if I can make it just going to school.... And STILL hoping that my arm will heal so I can do massage. Watching for which doors open and which close, and (mostly) staying trusting that good things are in store for me!
Things are about the same...
I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow to have my arm checked out and find out why it isn't healing. The tendonitis is much better--not totally okay, but much better. The upper-arm stuff is just not getting better, so they are going to see if they can figure out what it is and what to do about it.
I drove to TN again--fourth time in eight months; this time in a Toyota Corolla with the four younger kids. Wow. Not something I hope to do again any time soon. The kids were really good, considering. (Helpful hint: In the ABC Game, you can find all the letters through "O" on just two signs. "A" through "I" can be found on "WATCH FOR ICE ON BRIDGE" and "J" through "O" can be found on "Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah's Witnesses." Also, the easiest state for the ABC Game is Arizona, eastbound. Lots of navajos and signs for Albuquerque, plus a "Z" on every highway sign.)
I took the kids back to visit their Dad, at his request according to the court's order (by which we seem to be abiding for reduced maintenance and visitation, but not for division of property payment--go figure). We have to make the trip halfway every other month. Kinda crazy. I chose to take them all the way this time, instead of back and forth halfway twice (to drop them off and pick them up. Halfway is the Petrified Forest in Arizona, almost to NM.
"He" brought the kids to TN after their week together, and we visited with some of the friends they had not been able to say goodbye to when we left in March (because we did not know we would have to move when we left). We also drove past the house we left. Carlson is still angry and grieving. He says I lied to him. "You said we were just going to spend a lot of nights in CA and now we live there." It makes me sad. And, truthfully, its hard for me to not want to turn his anger where it belongs--to his Dad who left us no choice but to move--but I just affirm his feelings and try to explain that I thought it was true when I said it, so it wasn't a lie.... Wilbur is also having a hard time with the move. When I woke him in the morning on Thursday, so he could get ready to leave, he started crying and shook his head "no" vigorously. he said, "I don't want to leave here again. I wish we could just stay."(Dallas, on the other hand, never intends to leave CA, and would actually rather live in OK than TN....isn't that wierd? Ruby doesn't say much about it, but she seems content to be in CA.)
I, it seems, moved to CA without my inner child. (As illustrated in a sculpt at the therapy weekend by my therapist: Kent the Wondershrink.) My challenge is to bring my whole Self to CA for the experience God has for me here. It is amazing how different I feel already. This experiential therapy stuff is wierd...but it works for me. I chose to drive the whole way this trip so I could attend the Reconstruction of my "Father of Choice." I'm so glad I did. I got a LOT out of the weekend, and the kids got some closure around the move.
I am not sure YET if I am divorced. I expected a decree in the mail when I returned home, but there was nothing here. And my attorney is on vacation until next Monday. Still no date for the Reconsideration hearing, as far as I know...
I'm looking into night jobs, so the kids can have an adult around but my mother does not have to actually do anything with them. I'm also looking at grants, loans and scholarships to see if I can make it just going to school.... And STILL hoping that my arm will heal so I can do massage. Watching for which doors open and which close, and (mostly) staying trusting that good things are in store for me!
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