I took it down, again. My post on Elder Packer's talk, that is. It's very late (for me; I'm an early bird, and I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally, so I'm not going to try to explain why. It just feels like the right thing to do for the time being.

Next morning: Here's why: I am having all sorts of conflicting feelings about my blog post. I realized that I was seeking only to be understood, not to understand, and that my job at this moment is not to be understood, but to hold the gay community close and let them have their feelings, and feel my compassion. My compassion was totally eclipsed by my desire to be understood. There is a time for my truth, and this is not it.

I just finished reading about compassionate listening in the book Anger, by Thich Nhat Hahn, and I totally blipped it! I had a very enlightening talk with the friend who started it all (with her question) in the first place. She graciously accepted my intentions as honorable, while holding me accountable for the pain it caused her. If you read it, I apologize to you, as well. I am guilty of the same insensitivity I pointed out in Elder Packer. I have taken it down again, for the time being.

Up-to-date, and closed

I have not blogged for quite some time, and I'm getting ready to start up again.

I've been in a bit of a quandry for awhile now, which is partially responsible for my dearth of blogging. It is this: This is supposed to be my story, and I don't want to censor myself. And: My kids read my blog. I thought about two separate blogs with separate content, but that felt like compartmentalizing my Self--which can be quite dangerous for me. So I've settled it, I think, by making this blog "Invitation Only" and creating another blog for public viewing. This blog will have everything, and I'll repost some of it to the other.

If you received an invitation, it means I trust you with my uncensored Self. And frankly, I don't mind if total strangers read this blog. It's just a select few innocents (my kids) and a select few...um...others I'd just as soon didn't have access. If you find yourself wanting a more vanilla version of me (or find you can no longer look me in the eye when you run into me), you can follow me at the public blog.(one-eclectic-soul.blogspot.com).

So there it is. We'll see how it works.

I just spent the better of part of two hours transferring everything from my old Bebo blog, so there's even some archival stuff for those of you who haven't been with me from the beginning of my blog-journey.

Enjoy.
Or not.

Naked and Opened

We had a great lesson in Relief Society yesterday, taught by my soul-buddy Minerva T. She surprised and momentarily confused me by saying, “Sagefemme, get ready to talk about what you told me about God already knowing how we feel.” I still don’t remember the conversation, but I was able to find the scripture and read it for her: Hebrews 4:12-16. It is one of my favorites and I quote it, or paraphrase it, whenever it seems indicated, which is likely why I don’t remember sharing it with Minerva.

12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
13 Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in his sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do.
14 Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession.
15 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.
16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.


I am not a Bible scholar, and have never studied Greek. I don’t pretend that my interpretation of these verses is rooted in any intellectual truth. But I do know what they say to me. (What they said to me in 2006. I know the timeframe, because I penciled the year (why not a more precise date, I don’t know) in the margin of my Bible, along with the words “stop thrashing.”)

What they say to me is this: God knows everything about you. He can separate your emotions from your thoughts. He knows your intentions. Not only are you naked before Him, you are filleted out before Him; dissected, even. This being true, and knowing that Christ has experienced everything you have experienced, why not go ahead and be honest about how you feel and what you want? He already knows, so just say it to Him. He will sympathize and give you the help you need.

After Relief Society, the sister sitting behind me put her hand on my shoulder and said, “I want to thank you for having that conversation with Minerva, even if you don’t remember it. Because I have been faking it. I am so confused and I have been trying to act like everything is fine. Thank you for showing me I can be real with Him.”

I want to add that Christ does not only know how we feel, He has felt how we feel. I mean, not like a friend who has been through a similar variation of the theme. He has felt your feelings. Your actual feelings. The feelings you are feeling right now, He already felt them for you. How can we hide from, or pull the wool over that?

In the Bible Dictionary, under Prayer, it says “As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are his children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part. Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship.” For some of us, the parent-child relationship is not so clearly comfortable and nurturing as this sentence implies. Hiding my feelings, denying my needs, keeping conversation on a superficial level; these were all coping strategies I developed because of the kind of parents I had. Sadly, my children learned the same things from their parents. But I now have some perspective on the kind of parent I wish I was. And I can translate that into an image of loving parents who really see their children, and who want them to feel loved and secure and to have their needs met and their wants granted.

I think we often have an image of our Heavenly Father—perpetuated by some of the teachings we have about prayer—as of a King. We have guidelines for how we are to address God in our prayers; we use the formal (and actually archaic) “Thee” and “Thou.” We should kneel. We should thank first and ask later…. It can seem as though we are being given an etiquette lesson on how to behave in the presence of royalty—curtsy this way, bow that way. I am not saying that these guidelines are wrong, or that we should not use them. I am just pointing out how this sort of training, without a balance of knowing how well He knows us and how much He loves us, can skew our understanding of---make us forget---the relationship that we have with Him.

We can certainly be real with God and continue to exhibit the reverence and respect He is due. When we pray in meetings or otherwise in public, we behave with proper respect and decorum, just as we would as a prince or princess in an affair of state. But when we have a splinter in our finger, we can let our lip quiver when we show it to Him, and we can holler at the pain when He pulls it out. And we do not have to bow or curtsy our gratitude, but can fling our arms around His neck and touch noses. When we’ve sneaked out of the house in the middle of the night and rolled the car, we can call Him. We can tell Him the truth (cuz He already knows) and we can count on Him to lovingly stitch our lip, ice our bumped head and get us safely home to bed.

He sees us naked. He sees us broken. He sees right through us to the marrow of our souls. He has felt our sorrow, anger, pain, joy. And He loves us anyway. Let’s boldly go before Him then, and open ourselves fully, not only to His scrutiny, but to His mercy, His grace and His love.

State "O" the Union Brickfish

its THAT simple

My favorite six year old asked me the other day, "Wouldn't it be neat if we could just decide when it was day or when it was night. We could change it back and forth whenever we want." 

I asked, "Who would decide?" 

he said, "WE would."  

"What if I wanted it to be day and you wanted it to be night?"

He shrugged and said, "We would Roe-Sham-Boe for it."  And he hopped up on the curb and tightroped his way to the car.

Coming Out

So I never thought my first blog at this new site would be about homosexuality. And yet, here we are. I guess it's time for me to "come out" to my family and friends.

The seeds of this blog germinated this morning, when a friend I value asked me point blank how I had voted on Proposition 8. And because I do value the friendship, and because it is such a big issue to so many people, I went ahead and answered a question I normally would have wanted to keep in my own hoop. I had to admit.... I did not vote.

And (aside from the fact that I am not registered to vote, and am generally jaded about the whole political process, anyway) here is why:

I'm ambivalent.

There. I said it. I am ambivalent. I do not have a stance on homosexual marriage. I have two stances. And I am firmly planted in each of them.

Here is a Reader's Digest Condensed version of how the circles in my head go:

Homosexuality is a paraphilia. I believe that. I don't believe it is "normal."

But then, I don't believe that the sexuality I experienced in my Mormon temple marriage was "normal" either. In fact, I know for sure that it was not. It certainly was not the highest and best use of the powers of Couple-ing that have been bestowed on all humans by their loving Creator.

In fact, I would venture to say that the attitudes toward marriage (and the resultant behaviors) that existed in my peer group as a dating teen and (very) young adult, and seemingly in the Mormon community at large, could also be described as, if not an all out paraphilia, at best a really sick way to behave.

I enjoy association with a lot of gays and lesbians. There are two in my immediate-extended family. They are great kids. I want them to be happy. I also know, fairly intimately, some gay and lesbian couples. As a result of being in a therapy/recovery community with them, I have learned a great deal about how they Couple (the couple-bonding process, not the sex act). And it is not discernibly different to me from how heterosexuals Couple. In fact, I would say that of all the couples in my almost-four-year-long group therapy career, I'd give the lesbian couple (one partner of which was in my group) the best chance of having a rigorously honest, loving and respectful relationship into old age.

So why did I not vote against Prop 8, and give gays and lesbians the ability to call their unions "marriage." Because I am ambivalent.

Regardless of how well they are able to make it work--I still come back to the belief that it is a paraphilia. I don't believe it is the highest and best use of the powers of Couple-ing that a loving God has given to all humans.

I do believe that marriage is a sacred covenant, and that it is meant to be between a man and a woman. I do believe that. And I also believe that God has a prophet on the earth, and if He wanted that status changed, He would let that prophet know. I do believe that.

So why didn't I vote for Prop 8, and reserve the right to marriage (in California) to be only for a man and a woman? Because I am ambivalent. (Return to top of circle.)

And because the argument goes, "They already have all the rights of marriage in their civil unions. Why do they need to call it marriage?" on one side. And on the other, "We are in a committed, life-long union, the same as a heterosexual couple, so why can't we call it marriage?"

And the only answer I can find within myself--to both of these questions, and to so many others regarding homosexuality--is: "I DON'T KNOW."

My gay and lesbian friends may be surprised by this post. You might have expected me to come out on your side. I hope you can handle it and continue to regard me as the person you have known and loved, and who has loved you (and still does.)

My Mormon friends and family may be surprised by this post. You might have expected me to come out on your side, and to have followed the church's position. I hope you can handle it, too, and not question my firm and abiding testimony in the Gospel.

When it came down to it, I had to do as I was instructed "from the pulpit" to do, and vote according to my own moral values. So I did. I could not vote one way or the other without betraying an aspect of my true Self. So I didn't vote.

Some from each camp may regard me as a traitor or a fence sitter. In response to that I will quote one of my favorite people in all the world (who happens to be a gay man married (in a state that does not recognize even civil unions) to his spouse for about ten years, with children). The quote is, "You know what? I can love you enough to let you feel that."

Books I've Read

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (all seven, but stopped enjoying them after the fourth)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (i feel certain I read this in highschool, but don't remember it... so I'll have to read it again (or at least start it and see if I remember it)
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce (has ANYONE ever waded through the whole thing and survived the sleeping sickness?)
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams (started it twice, but never finished it)
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo